Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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