I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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