you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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