I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Welp...herpes.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
