in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Drunk is not a location!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
