there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
