i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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