I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
