Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
