i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
love makes seman taste better
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
