so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Someone shattered a urinal.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
