Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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