His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
