He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
