I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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