So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
