can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
