my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
