My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
