so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
