Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
