And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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