she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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