remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
