If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
