How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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