Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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