Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My vagina just recognized that song.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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