She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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