so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
