I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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