My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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