Even my vagina gasped.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
