i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
