he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
