My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
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Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
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Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I did not marry a roomba.
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