so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
