plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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