i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want her autograph on my taint
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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