I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
