so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
