I wish I could teleport
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
