I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
