what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
