half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
