Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
