i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
