so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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