Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
