And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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