I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
