i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
