my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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