i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
