I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
