When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
