Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
