how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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