Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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