Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
